Of Sad Songs and Broken Hearts

7:00 PM
I was in the lounge waiting for the car that will bring me to the resto for dinner.
I have a netbook with me as I was trying to finish some emails.
My favorite Indonesian song was playing through Youtube in the background.
I started humming, singing.
The receptionist came over and asked me if I love Indonesian songs.
I said I am not sure but the one playing I really like.
He asked me if I understand what the song meant.
I said no.
He laughed.
He said it is a very sad song. A very sad story.
The car still has not arrived so I told him I have time.
Can he please tell me what it means?
And so he obliged.

The guy found out that the girl he loves is in love with another man.
He is asking the girl to choose. She cannot have both.
Whoever she chooses, he will accept.
But he told the girl to not feel pain.
Because if she hurts, the more that he does.

Hmmm…
And the receptionist continued by telling me his love story.
Despite the broken English I felt his pain.
They were together for 3 years. College sweethearts.
Up until the girl broke up with him for another man.
Very similar to the song.
That’s why he hates it.
I asked him if he still hurts.
He said not anymore.
But the pauses while he tells the story and the tears that gathered around his eyes proved otherwise.
He said when I love, I love wholly, fully. I give my all.
So he cannot imagine how that happened to him.
He said everything seemed perfect.
But it turned out it was not.
I asked him how long it took him to move on.
Two years.
He is with a new girlfriend now.
I asked him if he liked other girls during the time of grieving.
He said no, he didn’t. He cannot.
He was so scared that it will happen again.
I painted a scenario. What if the girl comes back?
He said no, he doesn’t want.
I asked why. I thought you love her so much.
I do, he said. But she broke my heart. You know the heart is a very fragile thing.
I love her but she broke my heart.
I said what if she made a mistake, that it is really you that she likes.
He said no. I have one principle I follow in life.
I only love a person once. And she can only break my heart once.
He said when I love, I love fully.
But when my heart gets broken, it also gets broken fully.
It hurts so much, he said. I was crying for too long.
The heart can’t take it anymore.
It’s too painful.
Enough.

My tears fell.
Not only for him but for me as well.
And then the car came.

Until Everything Becomes Alright

It has been 8 days, a difficult 8 days.

What can I do? I chose this. I chose to end this.

I cannot go on like that. I owe it to myself. I cannot keep on hanging onto something that is time and time again hurting me. I cannot wait for that moment when finally, what I want is also what he wants. Something’s got to give. And what’s giving now is what I truly deserve.

I do not deserve to feel this. It’s been 6 months. The first three months were wonderful. The last three were all downhill. It is so difficult. All because I did not look at the situation as what it really was but glamorized it and made it fit the fantasy I created for myself.

So what’s next? Nothing is next. I just have to endure this bad feeling that has been enveloping me since I can’t remember when. It is just so funny because I have always known myself to be in control. And in this moment when I let the control reins lose, I also lost myself.

It is a nice lesson. I realized that I am also capable of behaving differently than what I know about myself all along. The feeling is new. I learned  that despite the fact that the self kept on building walls to protect the heart as what it has been accustomed to doing for the last sane years of my life, sometimes the heart just shows its mighty power when it wants to fight for something that it thinks is what it deserves.

The outcome is not something I hoped and wished I would experience, but it only shows that despite the greater planning for protecting the self, these things just happen. It just happens.

I am sitting with my feelings and emotions now. I have tried to sit and make amends with them several times the past few months. I’ve always failed. I have always allowed my emotions to win over. I have always fooled myself into believeing that maybe what I am doing is not the right way of dealing with things. Maybe I am sabotaging the future. Maybe I am sabotaging my happiness. Maybe I just have to be patient. Maybe I just have to wait.

But what is real?

The only real thing now is that I am hurt. Terribly hurt. More because of my own doing. I can list down all the reasons that will point all the blame to him but that is unfair because in the end it all leads back to me. I let it happen.

Self-agency. I always had control at the situation. I always have control over the situation.

And now I am letting it happen that my heart deal with all of these things until everything becomes alright.

Until I can tell myself that everything is alright.

A Story

It all started with this.

So I told myself

And this

And lastly this,

And the story went on. They say

But…

But

Then people started telling me

Well

I have a lot of excuses. But

Plus

And I hope this doesn’t happen to you. That

Please remember,

But for now

And be

Because my God said,

P.S.

All images were taken from Pinterest. I am grateful.