“This morning I thought that I wanted to see the Philippines in the newspaper this often…but for different reasons. My heart is with you, tatlim!” – a message sent by my Brazilian friend
In this trying times when we, Filipinos, are on our knees, we only have this to say:
Waking up late
Lounging in front of the TV until thy kingdom come
Eating breakfast prepared by Mom
Dressing up in my own clothes (or my sister’s), whichever fits
Seeing familiar faces
Eating in loved restaurants
Coming home to Dad’s merienda
Preparing for dinner
Eating with the parents
Funny how I can fall back easily to my old normal
The heart never forgets
The changed me in the old routines
Seen now with different eyes
I am grateful
It has been three days since I arrived back home. I decided to leave Indonesia indefinitely to do some introspecting and figure out what I really want out of my life. It is not that Indonesia is bad. It is actually very good, way too good if I may say. I must really be crazy to decide to give it up. When I was young, I was looking forward to a life like that. I got my wish and more. And surprise, I was still not deliriously happy. I am still seeking for something more.
As I try to navigate through the self in the hopes of finding the true meaning of my existence, this decision came up. I have to go (even for a while). I have to continue my journey into finding who I am, into figuring out what I am capable of, into extracting from life every great moment it can offer. And the only way for me to do that now is to be brave, to let go, to seek new ocean.
That’s the plan now. That’s what I will be doing in the next few days, weeks, months.
This morning, Mom woke me up early to hear mass, something that I haven’t done in a long time. As I was listening to the priest as he was giving his homily, I found my reassurance and answer from above. The priest started with a question: Are you seeking for God? I never gave much thought to it as I was busy imagining what life will be for me right now. But his last sentences caught me by surprise. It was God talking to me. He said, in life we have to continuously let go of our comfort zone. It may sound crazy at times. Why would you need to let go of something familiar, of something you are used to, of something comfortable? You can just stay where you are and live happily ever after. Or not. Because it is in letting go and facing new challenges that you provide yourself more opportunities to seek the Divine.
I guess that’s what I am looking for hence the decision, more opportunities to seek and experience the Divine. I’ve seen it a lot in Indonesia. My heart was filled.
Now, I have to keep moving.