I haven’t been alone in a long time. Alone meaning no work to do. Alone meaning no family or friends to talk to. Alone meaning offline most of the day from Facebook and other IM applications. Alone meaning nobody to keep me company except me, the singular me.
It was scary. Last night, when my temporary housemate left for home, I kind of went on panic mode. What will I do? The past few days, weeks and months have been filled with bustling activities, with human contact, with endless conversation, with lots of things to do, with no time for myself. And suddenly I found myself in a house with no TV, no radio, no internet.
I tried to seek refuge from my trusty laptop and watched movies until my eyes cried foul. I tried connecting to the internet through my phone and check FB but my trusty Globe internet connection failed me here in Dumaguete. I was racking my brain, pulling my hair, doing somersaults on my bed to come up with things to do. I’ve cooked dinner, washed dishes, folded my clothes (not), changed to my pajamas, the works. The idea of being left with nothing to do was too much to handle. My brain seems to be not used to shifting gears, to slowing down, to pulling the breaks, to park.
But it didn’t take long for me to calm down. I jogged my memory that I was used to this before. I loved spending time alone. I loved eating in restos alone. I loved malling alone. I loved staying in my room for long hours alone. I loved being alone.
And once everything has been put in its proper perspective, I was reminded again of the beauty of being alone.
I can calm my mind, think of nothing, and see everything in clearer picture. Just as what one wise yogi in the Rajah Yoga class I attended said several years ago, she likened our minds into a jar full of water and sand. Shake it well and hard and the water becomes murky gray. Keep it still and see the sand settle at the bottom revealing the clearness of the water above. That was what I am looking forward to achieve this weekend; that my shaken sand finds time to settle and reveal the clarity of things in my life.
A lot of things have happened recently. Things I didn’t have time to mull over and evaluate. I was just going with the flow letting my emotions and intellect guide me. I am not saying that following them are unwise. But the missing link of finally connecting these emotions and intellectual musings to the core of myself to finally see the real score escaped me. Now I am trying to let them all come in slowly so I can finally connect the dots, somehow complete the picture and steer myself to a new direction if needed.
It isn’t everyday that I am given this opportunity. To stand still, sit, stare into space, talk to nobody and just meditate.
Now, as I sit here in one coffee shop in one shopping mall in this very laidback city, I can feel the sand settling down, grain by grain, particle by particle. I hope it continues before the other elements start shaking my glass again to cloud my vision. I hope the clarity and beauty that this meditative weekend will all disclose to me stays and gives me inner strength to continue and live my life once more.
It wasn’t so hard finding my balance, being with myself, keeping still, and listening to who I am after all. I didn’t realize this is what I have been missing all along.