It has been 8 days, a difficult 8 days.
What can I do? I chose this. I chose to end this.
I cannot go on like that. I owe it to myself. I cannot keep on hanging onto something that is time and time again hurting me. I cannot wait for that moment when finally, what I want is also what he wants. Something’s got to give. And what’s giving now is what I truly deserve.
I do not deserve to feel this. It’s been 6 months. The first three months were wonderful. The last three were all downhill. It is so difficult. All because I did not look at the situation as what it really was but glamorized it and made it fit the fantasy I created for myself.
So what’s next? Nothing is next. I just have to endure this bad feeling that has been enveloping me since I can’t remember when. It is just so funny because I have always known myself to be in control. And in this moment when I let the control reins lose, I also lost myself.
It is a nice lesson. I realized that I am also capable of behaving differently than what I know about myself all along. The feeling is new. I learned that despite the fact that the self kept on building walls to protect the heart as what it has been accustomed to doing for the last sane years of my life, sometimes the heart just shows its mighty power when it wants to fight for something that it thinks is what it deserves.
The outcome is not something I hoped and wished I would experience, but it only shows that despite the greater planning for protecting the self, these things just happen. It just happens.
I am sitting with my feelings and emotions now. I have tried to sit and make amends with them several times the past few months. I’ve always failed. I have always allowed my emotions to win over. I have always fooled myself into believeing that maybe what I am doing is not the right way of dealing with things. Maybe I am sabotaging the future. Maybe I am sabotaging my happiness. Maybe I just have to be patient. Maybe I just have to wait.
But what is real?
The only real thing now is that I am hurt. Terribly hurt. More because of my own doing. I can list down all the reasons that will point all the blame to him but that is unfair because in the end it all leads back to me. I let it happen.
Self-agency. I always had control at the situation. I always have control over the situation.
And now I am letting it happen that my heart deal with all of these things until everything becomes alright.
Until I can tell myself that everything is alright.