Wake Her Up

After 3 years of silence, she is back.

She is quite unsure though as a significant amount of time has passed.

How can she pick it up and write again?

And here?

Why not somewhere else?

How about a cleaner platform?

A fresher one perhaps?

But something is calling.

A return might be the best.

So many memories here.

Funny, mundane, painful.

All of them here.

Maybe that is why.

There is yearning to continue the story.

Despite and inspite of it all.

Maybe because this is who she was.

This is who she is.

This is what made her.

And she owes it to herself to continue.

Breathe new life in her.

Wake her up.

Let us see if she can begin again.


When Was the Last Time You Felt So Alive?

With the daily bustle of everyday life, one can easily get lost in the daily rhythmical flow of it. I am not an exception.

Recently, I have been in a conundrum. Asking myself what is something very remarkable in my life right NOW that makes it special.

Silence. I have no answer. And I am beating myself wondering if this is what I haggled for.

What did I haggle for? It is a life that I can create and curate. A life owned and made only by myself. Am I on target? I have to say yes.

Though sometimes, things just seem dreary and blurry. I can easily have an oversight on things. Something which I have to be more conscious of not doing to the self.

But today, I just felt so alive. Funny because it is in the simplicity of things that I am awakened again on the beauty of my life.

Sometimes, we get to this hallucination that there has to be something grand and big to make us feel that things are happening. Whatever that thing may be. But then, it is in the everyday miracles that we realize that really, things are happening.

I had tons of laugh and tears of joy over dinner today with people I barely know for a year but who I feel comfortable with and who I know came to me for a reason. It was in normal conversation when it was revealed to me that this is what is happening in my life NOW.

Time seems to stand still and the conversation seems unending of life, dreams, future and beyond.

It is in the light and profound discussion that resonates to the soul and makes every uttered word meaningful.

It is when words become encouragement to see life differently giving you new sails to direct where you want to be.

It is in these simple moments when you think life is just passing you by but in actuality is that you are already creating life.

I felt so alive today.

And I am thankful.

Back to (My) Normal


Waking up late
Lounging in front of the TV until thy kingdom come
Eating breakfast prepared by Mom
Dressing up in my own clothes (or my sister’s), whichever fits
Doing errands
Seeing familiar faces
Eating in loved restaurants
Coming home to Dad’s merienda
Preparing for dinner
Eating with the parents

Funny how I can fall back easily to my old normal
The heart never forgets
The changed me in the old routines
Seen now with different eyes

I am grateful

Seeking the Divine


It has been three days since I arrived back home. I decided to leave Indonesia indefinitely to do some introspecting and figure out what I really want out of my life. It is not that Indonesia is bad. It is actually very good, way too good if I may say. I must really be crazy to decide to give it up. When I was young, I was looking forward to a life like that. I got my wish and more. And surprise, I was still not deliriously happy. I am still seeking for something more.

As I try to navigate through the self in the hopes of finding the true meaning of my existence, this decision came up. I have to go (even for a while). I have to continue my journey into finding who I am, into figuring out what I am capable of, into extracting from life every great moment it can offer. And the only way for me to do that now is to be brave, to let go, to seek new ocean.

That’s the plan now. That’s what I will be doing in the next few days, weeks, months.

This morning, Mom woke me up early to hear mass, something that I haven’t done in a long time. As I was listening to the priest as he was giving his homily, I found my reassurance and answer from above. The priest started with a question: Are you seeking for God? I never gave much thought to it as I was busy imagining what life will be for me right now. But his last sentences caught me by surprise. It was God talking to me. He said, in life we have to continuously let go of our comfort zone. It may sound crazy at times. Why would you need to let go of something familiar, of something you are used to, of something comfortable? You can just stay where you are and live happily ever after. Or not. Because it is in letting go and facing new challenges that you provide yourself more opportunities to seek the Divine.

I guess that’s what I am looking for hence the decision, more opportunities to seek and experience the Divine. I’ve seen it a lot in Indonesia. My heart was filled.

Now, I have to keep moving.


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